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Hey, Give Me A Shot!

Posted: November 10, 2003

By Vincenzo, Pissed-Off-Reader

Look, if you're like me, you enjoy the simple pleasures in life. A nice steak dinner, a hot chick, and a good flick to get her in the mood. And the chicks dig scary movies, am I right? Nothing like a good scare to get her good and jumpy, and that's where you come in, a good strong pair of arms to hold her tight to comfort her. This isn't news to any of you real guy's guys, I know. Never fails.

Well, almost never. There's nothing that makes me want to bust somebody's head more than taking a chick to a horror flick, and it turns out to be a dud. No chills, no thrills, you get what I'm sayin'? A good movie review can make all the difference in this situation.

So let me relate to you a little story. True life, "ripped from the headlines," as it were. Except that it wasn't actually in the papers. Whatever. The point is, there's this femme I'm interested in getting to know better, if you catch my drift. We'll call her "Bubbles." And I decide, "Hey, I'll take her to this new remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre." I mean, it's the number one movie in the country, right? (At least, it was at the time.) It's based on a tried-and-true classic. We're talkin' can't miss, right?

So I go to Shaking Through, which I've found to be a reliable source for making informed decisions. Imagine my surprise when I couldn't find a review for this movie. I figured, "Eh, what the hell. It's time-tested." You can't mess up Tobe Hooper's foolproof formula, you know what I'm sayin'?


Except that it didn't deliver the goods, if you know what I mean. There might have been a few scares, but "Bubbles" had seen the original, and she wasn't impressed. In fact, she was bored. And that makes Mama Falcone's baby boy Vincent (that's me, by the way) have to work all that much harder. And I don't like that. (Yeah, my name is Vincent. My friends call me "Vinnie." You, you can call me "Vincenzo.")

So I feel like Shaking Through let me down. My first instinct, frankly, was to track down someone on the editorial staff and dispense some street justice, like my idol, man's man Chuck Zito. You know, bust some heads. After all, we've got a social contract going, me and this site. Me as a consumer of information, Shaking Through as a provider of said information. I depended on it, and it left me holdin' the stick (and yes, that's exactly what I mean).

But unlike the man on the street, me, I've got an "in." Turns out my old war buddy Alan Sargent, whose fat I may have pulled out of a few fires back in 'Nam, works for Shaking Through as its business manager. So I send him an email. I say, "Yo, Alan, what's the deal here? Why no Texas Chainsaw Massacre review? Hey, come on, I had your back 'in country,' you know? What's up, already?" And he tells me, turns out, the dude who does their horror reviews, guy name of Clemenza, hadn't seen it yet. "So napalm his ass off the payroll," says I, still a little incensed. Turns out, this guy isn't actually on staff; he's a contributor, if you will. A freelancer, like. They can't fire him, because he doesn't work for them.

So I say, "Hey, this isn't a satisfactory outcome for me," you know? I got bad value for service here. So my old Vietnam buddy Alan Sargent, he says two things to me. First thing he says is, "The site is free. You don't pay for it." Point taken, you know? Looking a gift horse in the mouth, even when the horse didn't do what you expected it to do in regards to a crucial dating situation, ain't really classy. Second thing he says is, "You got a beef with this guy? So write your own reviews."

Now, I happen to know a thing or two about Hollywood. I served as bodyguard for a number of big-time action stars, including one or two this Clemenza character might have heard of. I ain't naming any names -- Mama Falcone didn't raise her baby boy that way -- but suffice it to say, I've had a good look at the B-movie business, and I think I know what's what. More importantly, I know from scary movies, and I know from chicks, and I think I have a pretty good grasp of what will make a gal jump in your arms for protection from the big bad bogeyman, you know what I'm sayin'?

So Sargent and the rest of the Shaking Through brain trust, here's what they tell me. We'll do it as a contest, sort of, right? Introduce me to the masses, and let 'em decide who they like better, me or this Clemenza. And if it works out in my favor, I maybe become a regular contributor. Sounds fair enough, right? So here's the deal: I think you've got a pretty good idea of what I'm like. If you'd like to see me review some movies for Shaking Through, maybe show this rat Clemenza a thing or two (That's another thing: Apparently he rolled over on some prominent members of a major crime family. Not cool), all you gotta do is give me a shot. I'll do a couple introductory reviews, and if you like 'em, and/or what you read here, you write in to and let 'em know.

As for Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the remake? Here's my take on it. What's wrong with Jessica Biel? Nothing, am I right? So why don't we get to see more of her in this movie? Hell, you got to glimpse a lot more "Biel estate" in Summer Catch, you know? If I'm not gonna get some bona fide scares to help me out with the ladies, that's the least you can do. And yeah, yeah, I did see Summer Catch. Now, that was scary.

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 Clemenza's Ratings Key:

 5.0: A drop of bliss

 4.0-4.9: Touchdown!
 3.0-3.9: Close, but...
 2.0-2.9: Box of Rocks
 1.1-1.9: Time bandit
 0.0-1.0: Soul scarring
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