Hey, Give Me A
Look, if you're like me, you enjoy the simple pleasures in life. A nice
steak dinner, a hot chick, and a good flick to get her in the mood. And
the chicks dig scary movies, am I right? Nothing like a good scare to get
her good and jumpy, and that's where you come in, a good strong pair of
arms to hold her tight to comfort her. This isn't news to any of you real
guy's guys, I know. Never fails.
Well, almost never. There's nothing that makes me want to bust
somebody's head more than taking a chick to a horror flick, and it turns
out to be a dud. No chills, no thrills, you get what I'm sayin'? A good
movie review can make all the difference in this situation.
So let me relate to you a little story. True life, "ripped from the
headlines," as it were. Except that it wasn't actually in the papers.
Whatever. The point is, there's this femme I'm interested in getting to
know better, if you catch my drift. We'll call her "Bubbles." And I
decide, "Hey, I'll take her to this new remake of the Texas Chainsaw
Massacre." I mean, it's the number one movie in the country, right?
(At least, it was at the time.) It's based on a tried-and-true
classic. We're talkin' can't miss, right?
So I go to Shaking Through, which I've found to be a reliable
source for making informed decisions. Imagine my surprise when I couldn't
find a review for this movie. I figured, "Eh, what the hell. It's
time-tested." You can't mess up Tobe Hooper's foolproof formula, you know
what I'm sayin'?
Except that it didn't deliver the goods, if you know what I mean. There
might have been a few scares, but "Bubbles" had seen the original, and she
wasn't impressed. In fact, she was bored. And that makes Mama
Falcone's baby boy Vincent (that's me, by the way) have to work all that
much harder. And I don't like that. (Yeah, my name is Vincent. My friends
call me "Vinnie." You, you can call me "Vincenzo.")
So I feel like Shaking Through let me down. My first instinct,
frankly, was to track down someone on the editorial staff and dispense
some street justice, like my idol, man's man
You know, bust some heads. After all, we've got a social contract going,
me and this site. Me as a consumer of information, Shaking Through
as a provider of said information. I depended on it, and it left me
holdin' the stick (and yes, that's exactly what I mean).
But unlike the man on the street, me, I've got an "in." Turns out my
old war buddy Alan Sargent, whose fat I may have pulled out of a few fires
back in 'Nam, works for Shaking Through as its
business manager. So I send him an
email. I say, "Yo, Alan, what's the deal here? Why no Texas Chainsaw
Massacre review? Hey, come on, I had your back 'in country,' you know?
What's up, already?" And he tells me, turns out, the dude who does their
horror reviews, guy name of Clemenza, hadn't seen it yet. "So napalm his
ass off the payroll," says I, still a little incensed. Turns out, this guy
isn't actually on staff; he's a contributor, if you will. A freelancer,
like. They can't fire him, because he doesn't work for them.
So I say, "Hey, this isn't a satisfactory outcome for me," you know? I
got bad value for service here. So my old Vietnam buddy Alan Sargent, he
says two things to me. First thing he says is, "The site is free. You
don't pay for it." Point taken, you know? Looking a gift horse in the
mouth, even when the horse didn't do what you expected it to do in regards
to a crucial dating situation, ain't really classy. Second thing he says
is, "You got a beef with this guy? So write your own reviews."
Now, I happen to know a thing or two about Hollywood. I served as
bodyguard for a number of big-time action stars, including one or two this
Clemenza character might have heard of. I ain't naming any names -- Mama
Falcone didn't raise her baby boy that way -- but suffice it to say, I've
had a good look at the B-movie business, and I think I know what's what.
More importantly, I know from scary movies, and I know from chicks, and I
think I have a pretty good grasp of what will make a gal jump in your arms
for protection from the big bad bogeyman, you know what I'm sayin'?
So Sargent and the rest of the Shaking Through brain trust,
here's what they tell me. We'll do it as a contest, sort of, right?
Introduce me to the masses, and let 'em decide who they like better, me or
this Clemenza. And if it works out in my favor, I maybe become a regular
contributor. Sounds fair enough, right? So here's the deal: I think you've
got a pretty good idea of what I'm like. If you'd like to see me review
some movies for Shaking Through, maybe show this rat Clemenza a
thing or two (That's another thing: Apparently he rolled over on some
prominent members of a major crime family. Not cool), all you gotta
do is give me a shot. I'll do a couple introductory reviews, and if you
like 'em, and/or what you read here, you write in to
and let 'em know.
As for Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the remake? Here's my take on it.
What's wrong with Jessica Biel? Nothing, am I right? So why don't we get
to see more of her in this movie? Hell, you got to glimpse a lot more
"Biel estate" in Summer Catch, you know? If I'm not gonna get some
bona fide scares to help me out with the ladies, that's the least
you can do. And yeah, yeah, I did see Summer Catch. Now, that
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